She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
