Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
false alarm. still invincible.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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