Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
