Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
