we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
