nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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