I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
