My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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