Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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