can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
