May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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