So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
