so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Girls should come with a carfax report
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
