I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
