Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
