Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
