Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
