stop calling my apartment porn island.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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