Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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