do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Randomize
