How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
