I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
