I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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