The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
