There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
