So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
