remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
