Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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