On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
