Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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