where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
