It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
