Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
