I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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