I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize