i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
