wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
