I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I need to calm my uterus...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
