I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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