I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
