I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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