if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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