I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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