please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
