he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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