I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
