thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
