What did we do last night that was yellow?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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