Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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