watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
