sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
he had hair everywhere except his balls
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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