Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
