Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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