Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
