I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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