who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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