It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
