Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
