Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
